xiāngjìngrúbīn: 相敬如宾 - (Of a married couple) To treat each other with mutual respect, as if they were a guest

• Keywords: xiang jing ru bin, xiāng jìng rú bīn, 相敬如宾, Chinese idiom for marriage, mutual respect in marriage, treating spouse like a guest, ideal Chinese couple, traditional marriage values, harmonious relationship.
• Summary: 相敬如宾 (xiāng jìng rú bīn) is a classical Chinese idiom that describes the ideal relationship between a husband and wife, where they treat each other with the utmost respect and politeness, as if they were an honored guest. This concept emphasizes a deep, stable love built on courtesy and mutual appreciation, serving as a cultural cornerstone for what constitutes a harmonious and long-lasting marriage.

• Pinyin (with tone marks): xiāng jìng rú bīn
• Part of Speech: Chengyu (Idiom); can function as an adjective or predicate.
• HSK Level: N/A
• Concise Definition: To mutually respect one's spouse as if they were a guest.
• In a Nutshell: This idiom doesn't mean being cold or distant. Instead, it captures a beautiful ideal where a couple never takes each other for granted. They maintain a lifelong politeness, gratitude, and formal respect that prevents the complacency and casual disrespect that can sometimes creep into long-term relationships. It's a love that is less about fiery passion and more about profound, unwavering esteem.

• 相 (xiāng): Mutual, each other, one another.
• 敬 (jìng): To respect, to honor, to be reverent.
• 如 (rú): Like, as if, as though.
• 宾 (bīn): Guest, visitor.

The characters literally combine to mean “mutually respecting as if [one another were a] guest.” This paints a vivid picture of a relationship where both partners consistently show each other the highest level of courtesy.

• The idiom originates from a story in the ancient text, the Zuo Zhuan (《左传》). It describes an official named Xi Que (郤缺) working in his fields. When his wife brought him lunch, she would respectfully bow as she offered it, and he would bow in return before accepting. A passing dignitary saw this and was so impressed by their mutual respect (their lǐ, 礼, or propriety) that he recommended Xi Que for a higher position, believing a man who could cultivate such harmony in his family could surely help govern the state.
• This concept is deeply rooted in Confucian values, which emphasize social harmony through clearly defined roles and mutual obligations. A respectful and stable marriage was seen as the bedrock of a stable society.
• Comparison to Western Culture: In many Western cultures, the ideal marital relationship is often portrayed as one of passionate romance, open emotional expression, and being “best friends” who share everything without formality. The concept of treating your spouse “like a guest” might sound cold or lacking in intimacy. However, 相敬如宾 is not about a lack of intimacy; it's about a type of intimacy built on sustained admiration and courtesy rather than casual familiarity. It's a proactive effort to never let appreciation fade.

• Formality: This is a very formal and literary idiom (a chengyu). It is not used in casual, everyday chat but is common in writing, formal speeches, and when giving well-wishes.
• Primary Usage: It is almost exclusively used to describe a married couple. You would typically use it to praise an older couple who has been married for a long time and still displays great courtesy towards one another. It's an aspirational term, representing a “model marriage.”
• Connotation: It carries a strong, positive, and admirable connotation. Describing a couple as 相敬如宾 is a high compliment. While some younger people might view it as slightly old-fashioned, the underlying value of mutual respect remains highly praised.

• Example 1:
  • 我爷爷奶奶结婚六十年了，一直相敬如宾。
  • Pinyin: Wǒ yéye nǎinai jiéhūn liùshí nián le, yīzhí xiāng jìng rú bīn.
  • English: My grandpa and grandma have been married for sixty years and have always treated each other with the utmost respect.
  • Analysis: This is a classic usage, praising a long-lasting, harmonious marriage of an older couple.
• Example 2:
  • 在婚礼上，主持人祝愿新人婚后相敬如宾，白头偕老。
  • Pinyin: Zài hūnlǐ shàng, zhǔchírén zhùyuàn xīnrén hūn hòu xiāng jìng rú bīn, bái tóu xié lǎo.
  • English: At the wedding, the host wished for the newlyweds to respect each other like guests and grow old together after marriage.
  • Analysis: Here, it's used as a formal blessing for a new couple, setting an ideal for their future.
• Example 3:
  • 他们夫妻俩从不吵架，在邻居们眼中，他们是相敬如宾的模范夫妻。
  • Pinyin: Tāmen fūqī liǎ cóng bù chǎojià, zài línjūmen yǎnzhōng, tāmen shì xiāng jìng rú bīn de mófàn fūqī.
  • English: The couple never argues; in the eyes of the neighbors, they are a model couple who treat each other with deep respect.
  • Analysis: The idiom is used adjectivally here with 的 (de) to describe the couple as a “model” or “exemplary” pair.
• Example 4:
  • 维持一段相敬如宾的婚姻需要双方的努力和智慧。
  • Pinyin: Wéichí yīduàn xiāng jìng rú bīn de hūnyīn xūyào shuāngfāng de nǔlì hé zhìhuì.
  • English: Maintaining a marriage of mutual respect requires effort and wisdom from both partners.
  • Analysis: This sentence uses the idiom to define a type of marriage, highlighting that this ideal isn't achieved passively.
• Example 5:
  • 很多人羡慕那种相敬如宾的爱情，觉得那才是真正的长久。
  • Pinyin: Hěn duō rén xiànmù nà zhǒng xiāng jìng rú bīn de àiqíng, juédé nà cái shì zhēnzhèng de chángjiǔ.
  • English: Many people admire that kind of love characterized by mutual respect, feeling that it is the only kind that truly lasts.
  • Analysis: This sentence reflects on the idiom as a desirable philosophy for love and relationships.
• Example 6:
  • 虽然他们不像年轻人那样热情，但他们相敬如宾，感情非常深厚。
  • Pinyin: Suīrán tāmen bù xiàng niánqīng rén nàyàng rèqíng, dàn tāmen xiāng jìng rú bīn, gǎnqíng fēicháng shēnhòu.
  • English: Although they aren't as passionate as young people, they treat each other with great respect, and their affection is very deep.
  • Analysis: This sentence directly contrasts “passion” (热情) with 相敬如宾, clarifying that the latter describes a different, but equally deep, form of love.
• Example 7:
  • 老师教导我们，夫妻之间应该相敬如宾，而不是互相指责。
  • Pinyin: Lǎoshī jiàodǎo wǒmen, fūqī zhījiān yīnggāi xiāng jìng rú bīn, ér bùshì hùxiāng zhǐzé.
  • English: The teacher taught us that spouses should treat each other respectfully, not blame one another.
  • Analysis: Used in a didactic or moral context, presenting the idiom as a principle to live by.
• Example 8:
  • 看到那对老夫妻在公园里互相搀扶，相敬如宾的样子，我非常感动。
  • Pinyin: Kàndào nà duì lǎo fūqī zài gōngyuán lǐ hùxiāng chānfú, xiāng jìng rú bīn de yàngzi, wǒ fēicháng gǎndòng.
  • English: Seeing that old couple supporting each other in the park, looking so respectful of one another, I was very moved.
  • Analysis: This shows the idiom describing an observable behavior or “look” (样子, yàngzi).
• Example 9:
  • 他们的关系与其说是爱情，不如说是相敬如宾的伙伴关系。
  • Pinyin: Tāmen de guānxì yǔqí shuō shì àiqíng, bùrú shuō shì xiāng jìng rú bīn de huǒbàn guānxì.
  • English: Their relationship is less like a romance and more like a partnership of mutual respect.
  • Analysis: A more nuanced usage, contrasting it with a conventional idea of “romance” to emphasize the respect and partnership aspects.
• Example 10:
  • 要做到相敬如宾，最重要的是学会倾听和理解对方。
  • Pinyin: Yào zuòdào xiāng jìng rú bīn, zuì zhòngyào de shì xuéhuì qīngtīng hé lǐjiě duìfāng.
  • English: To achieve a relationship of mutual respect, the most important thing is to learn to listen to and understand the other person.
  • Analysis: This sentence treats 相敬如宾 as a goal and discusses the necessary conditions to achieve it.

• Common Misunderstanding: The most common pitfall for English speakers is to interpret “like a guest” (如宾) as being cold, emotionally distant, or lacking intimacy. This is incorrect. The idiom emphasizes the absence of disrespect, not the absence of closeness. It's about maintaining politeness and appreciation, not building walls.
• False Friend Contrast: While it involves formality, 相敬如宾 is not the same as the English phrase “to be formal with someone,” which often implies a lack of familiarity or a business-like distance. 相敬如宾 exists within a deeply intimate relationship (marriage) and enriches it.
• Incorrect Usage:
  • Wrong: 我们是好朋友，关系一直相敬如宾。(Wǒmen shì hǎo péngyǒu, guānxì yīzhí xiāng jìng rú bīn.) → “We are good friends, and our relationship has always been one of mutual respect.”
  • Why it's wrong: This idiom is almost exclusively reserved for husband-wife relationships. While friends should be respectful, using this particular chengyu is strange and inappropriate. For friends, you would use something simpler like 互相尊重 (hùxiāng zūnzhòng - mutually respect each other).

• 举案齐眉 (jǔ àn qí méi) - Literally “to lift the tray to eyebrow level,” another idiom from a classical story describing a wife's profound respect for her husband. It's a very close synonym and often used to describe the same ideal.
• 琴瑟和鸣 (qín sè hé míng) - “The zithers play in harmony.” A beautiful metaphor for a harmonious and happy marital relationship. It focuses more on the harmony than the specific actions of respect.
• 白头偕老 (bái tóu xié lǎo) - “To grow old together with white hair.” This is the goal of a marriage, a common wish for newlyweds. A couple that is 相敬如宾 is likely to achieve this.
• 恩爱 (ēn'ài) - (Adjective) Loving, affectionate (used specifically for couples). This describes the emotional affection, while 相敬如宾 describes the respectful behavior.
• 夫妻 (fūqī) - Husband and wife; the two people who are expected to be 相敬如宾.
• 尊重 (zūnzhòng) - (Verb/Noun) To respect; respect. This is the core concept of the idiom, but in a general, non-idiomatic form.
• 礼貌 (lǐmào) - (Noun) Politeness, courtesy. This describes the outward behavior demonstrated by a couple that is 相敬如宾.
• 破镜重圆 (pò jìng chóng yuán) - “A broken mirror becomes round again.” An idiom for a couple that reconciles after separating. This is an antonymous concept, as it describes a relationship that was broken, not one that was consistently harmonious.